To end 2024 and reflect on the 20th year of my life,

I figured I would share one of the biggest things I’ve learned this year.

There’s something I’ve heard quite consistently through podcasts, memoirs, self-help books, poetry, songs, and more:

That you can’t truly love other people until you learn to love yourself.

How can you truly love anyone else if you cannot even love the only person you are stuck with every single moment of your entire life?

In the words of Thich Nacht Hanh:

"If we do not know how to take care of ourselves and to love ourselves,

we cannot take care of the people we love".

And

"If you don't take good care of yourself,

if you are not happy,

if you are not peaceful,

you cannot make ❲another❳ person happy"

I never really understood this concept until I experienced the effects of it numerous times in the past year.

Until I truly realized that by learning to love myself, I showed up much better for the people I loved.

I’ve discovered that this is because by accepting myself, the love I show others is purely because I care and love them, not because I’m seeking ways to make them love me.

My actions do not reflect desire for validation from them because I feel validated enough in who I am from myself.

I don’t care what others think of me, but how I can care for others.

One of my greatest fears has always been being seen as being self-absorbed, stuck-up, or cocky.

The phrase “self love” always conjured up a visual of someone who spends their time admiring their reflection in every surface and acting like they're better than everyone else. It made me think of that story of Narcissus: the dude who was so self-absorbed that he fell in love with his own reflection and was a total asshole to everyone around him (haha). Because I never wanted to become someone even remotely like Narcissus, I actively rejected any thought or action that could in any way come off as being narcissistic. I immediately shut down any positive thought I had about myself and never shared any of my accomplishments. I refused to be proud of myself for anything. I still struggle with this.
It’s taken a while for me to realize that there’s a big difference between self-love and self-obsession.
To me, self-love is **accepting** yourself, taking care of your mind and body, and working to be a kind and loving person.

I’ve discovered that after learning how to practice “self-love”, I’ve been a much better person to the people I encounter and especially to the people I’m closest to.

Because I’ve done internal work, I can now do external work.

Out of my siblings, I was definitely the brattiest one growing up. I always had a stick up my ass for some reason or another. While my brothers and sister could more easily let things go and have a good time doing basically anything, there was me in the corner moping or whining or actively NOT participating *queue emo music, lol*.

I was also the most shy and the most fearful. I had so much anxiety about literally everything and would worry about the dumbest sh*t that I would make up in my head. I lived in “what ifs.”

Looking back, I realize how probably 90% of this was because I just didn’t like myself.

I always felt like something was wrong with me for how I felt or what I liked or how I looked. In middle school and high school, I never even let a good thought about myself enter my head.
I didn’t believe I was worthy or good enough for anything or anyone. I constantly looked for “evidence” that I was “smart enough” or “funny enough” or “talented enough” or “pretty enough” through the reactions of other people or the grade on my paper. Constantly, I felt like “the evidence” showed I was lacking in some department and, being a perfectionist, I would go insane trying to perfect every little thing about myself in the hopes that maybe if I fixed ____ I would finally feel like I was accepted or was “worthy.”
I have never been the type of person to hop on trends or “follow the crowd,” but I longed for acceptance for who I was.
Spoiler alert: I never once felt accepted in school.
I realize now that this feeling of being so alien from everyone else was partly because I just rejected everything about myself that I thought wasn’t “good enough.” How could I expect anyone else to accept me if I didn’t even accept me?

I hated myself, I truly did. I never believed a single compliment anyone gave me was genuine because I couldn’t believe it myself. *Why would they compliment me? It’s not true because I’m truly not ____ enough. SO, they’re just taking pity on me or messing with me.*

Lack of confidence and self-loathing made me socially anxious, bitter, and highly suspicious, mistrusting, and critical of others. Ironically, it made me more self-absorbed than if I had loved myself, because all I thought about was myself and all the things I needed to acquire or achieve in order to finally become a “worthy enough” person for…wait a minute…*who?*

All I thought about was how “comfortable” I was in the physical environment I was in. Which, growing up, was my tiny room and anywhere else would expose me--the person I hated so much--to the world.

Therefore, I took spending time with my family for granted, and gave up on making friends.

For example, I hated going on road-trips to watch my siblings play hockey because I didn’t want to sit in a sweaty ice rink and have the potential to be seen by others how I subconsciously thought of myself:

This lame, pathetic, shy, boring kid who would rather hold a paintbrush than a hockey stick.

Someone who just didn’t belong anywhere.

I didn’t think that it was a way for me to show love for my siblings and support for their passion. I didn’t think that it was time for me to be with my wonderful parents, or see a new part of the state.

I only thought about how much I “didn’t belong” there and how it only served as a reminder of how alien I was and how I wasn’t “good enough” to be seen by anyone because I wasn’t like anyone else.

Lack of self confidence essentially turned me into a hermit who would very adamantly fight the idea of doing literally anything out of her comfort zone because she didn’t want to risk feeling even more hatred towards and ashamed of herself.

I wasn’t good enough to be around anyone else, so I should stay away from others so I didn’t subject them to the wretched person that was me. This “other.”

I never considered how this distanced me from the people who loved me most in the world.

How this ultimately made me selfish.

Because I hated myself, I couldn’t truly show love to others.

However, after learning how to love myself and finding confidence in who I am and the person I continue to grow to be, I’ve realized that self-love is critical for both you and the people in your life.

Once you love yourself, you are open to receiving and giving love.

Since I’ve learned to practice self-love, I’ve been able to show up so much better for others and be more accepting of them as well. I’ve been so much more adventurous and done things I would have completely rejected doing as a kid for the fear of failing or looking dumb or because it’s something I’m not that interested in or “good at”.

Cliff-jumping? Slack lining? Screamo death metal concert?

I’m more than willing to sacrifice my time in order to help someone out. I’m excited to do something my friends and family want to do because I love them and want to be there for them despite how out of my comfort zone it might be.

I have less social anxiety.

This whole tangent is to say that I’ve realized that once I learned to love myself,

I began to effectively show other people love, too.

This discovery has also been a catalyst for my decision to leave Hawaii.

I’ve done so much internal work that I need to express it externally.

Although it’s obviously been beneficial in every way, finding strength in myself has revealed to me this overwhelming loneliness that has nothing to do with lack of self-confidence,

but the desire to have others close around me to love--especially family.

I have so much love inside me that I want to share.
Sure, work and short hangouts with friends are always opportunities for me to show care and love, but these are usually brief periods of time that come to a close because people have their own families and lives to get back to.
I do not.
I have no pressing reason to go back home because there is no one to come home to, no one to care for, no one waiting for me.

I grew up in a large family where many times I just longed to be alone.

But living alone for almost 3 whole years has shown me how truly wonderful it is to come home to someone who you have a deep connection with and love for. How the mere presence of them is all you need sometimes.
This epiphany for me reminds me of that scene in “*Into the Wild*” where Christopher McCandless realizes that sure, vibing in nature and exploring the unknown has been spectacular, but he’s missing human connection and a person to share it all with.
*Hopefully in my case, however, I will make it across the raging river and back into civilization instead of getting stuck in an abandoned bus and eating poisonous berries (lol).*

In my 21st year of life, my goal is to serve others through Americorps and focus on making deep connections. To spend time with family.

In terms of my art…I don’t really know what it’s going to look like yet. As of now, I’m planning on shifting my focus into creating tutorials so others can learn ways they can express themselves and create.

Anyway, I hope by sharing this you feel inspired to go and practice self-love and care, and tell your family (chosen or otherwise) how much they mean to you.

Self love is a hard journey and a constant practice, but it will truly strengthen you and help you become a better person to others. You have a light that needs to be shared, you just gotta be the one to flip the switch.

Thank you for all your support as always, I hope my art and words mean something to you.

So much love and aloha,